


Tokyo International College

by tbmd1066



Series: Hot Potato Prompts [3]
Category: Free!
Genre: Crack, Drugs, Edward Scissorhands - Freeform, F/M, M/M, Murder, Nickelback, Other, The Apocalypse, pure sweet crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-24
Updated: 2014-05-24
Packaged: 2018-01-26 07:34:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1680035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tbmd1066/pseuds/tbmd1066
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Haru goes to college and discovers there is no pool.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tokyo International College

It all started at the Nickelback concert back in 2012. Haru was an avid fan of the band. It wasn’t really his fault, he had never been introduced to any good music before. He though Nickelback was the height of modern entertainment. It was at that Nickelback concert, in the front row, that he met Haku Ryuda, the dean of Tokyo international college. They had both enjoyed the concert thoroughly, and afterward, Haku noted that Haru looked like he was about the age to be heading off to college.

“Have you considered attending Tokyo International College? By the way, I love Nickelback!”

Those words were...too much for Haru to resist. He agreed on the spot.

Now it was 2015, and Haru had arrived at college. Everything seemed to be going fine, until he received the most grim news possible.

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE DON’T HAVE A POOL HERE?” Haru screamed. “WHAT HAPPENED TO IT???”

“Um... we’ve never had a pool.” the girl said, staring at him. “Why would we need one?”

Haru stared at the moronic bitch. “You need water to survive.”

She blinked. “I’m not saying you’re wrong, but you don’t need a whole pool.”

“A lifetime without a pool is a lifetime of sadness.”

“Are you actually insane, though?”

“No, I’m NOT!” Haru screamed. “I just wanted was to go to a college with a swimming pool that isn’t full of weeds and dirt and Nagisa’s methamphetamine stash!”

Nagisa slapped Haru across the face. “Nobody’s supposed to know about that!”

“I DON’T CARE!” Haru’s voice was getting increasingly louder, making him appear increasingly insane. “I know you hid your drugs in our high school pool and all over the locker room! I know you’re tripping BALLS right now and hallucinating about sunshine and rainbows and Makoto! Well none of it’s real, Nagisa! Rainbows only happen when light shines through water drops and it’s the middle of the night, and Makoto’s dad sent him to military school!”

“You have a problem, Nagisa, and we have to talk about it. We care about you. We love you.”

Suddenly, the setting changes. They are in a support group room.

“Look....my nipple blades are’t that big a deal guys. They make me more aerodynamic!” Nagisa shouted excitedly. He brought both of his hands to his chest and pointed to said nipple blades.

“Nagisa.......they are not safe. What if your nipple blades cut Rei when you’re...having coietus?” Makoto asked him with an overly worried expression.

“Makoto!” Rei exclaimed, face flushed from embarrassment at Makoto’s comment.

“Oh relax Rei, it’s ok! We all know you two are intimate in the classrooms here.”

“What the hell do you mean, INTIMATE?!”

“I mean intimate like how I wish I was with Emma Watson.”

“Emma Watson?”

“Yes, of course.”

“But...she’s...a woman? Are you saying that you’re into women?”

“Only Emma Watson. Theres just something about her smile. But you know what? The only thing better than her smile is yours. Your smile outshines hers. When you smile, its as though every star in the sky is reflecting off of the pool water. Speaking of which, I actually have a pool in my backyard. What would you say to going for a little swim?”

Nagisa yelled out at Makoto “Yeeeaaahh! lets go bitches!"

Makoto look horrified at Nagisa and yelled back “You- you! you cant say these things to people Nagisa!”

Nagisa pointed a gun at Makoto and smirked. “Go poop back and forth forever... in Heaven!” And he pulled the trigger and Makoto fell to the ground his blood spilling out on the cold hard grass in France. Makoto took his final breath...

“This is all my fault!” Haru sobbed. He held his sexy dead lover’s calm, gentle face carefully in his chainsaw hands. “If I hadn’t...” his voice broke. This was infinitely worse than Edward Scissorhands. “If I hadn’t let Nagisa import all those penguins...”

“It’s not your fault, Haru-Chan!” Nagisa cried, jumping to Haru’s side. “I was the one who imported the penguins- and now Mako-Chan is dead!”

“This is all your fault!” screamed Rei. “Now since you’ve brought penguins up from the South Pole, you’ve upset the balance of Antarctica! Now the poles are melting! This is it! Global warming is going to kill us all! It’s the inevitable heat death of the universe!” 

“The poles are melting! The poles are melting! THE WORLD WILL FLOOD!” Nagisa laid on the ground and used his legs to rotate around in a circle. It is possible he may have ingested his last bag of psylocybin. The entire thing. What did he have to lose now? At least he was going out with a bang. 

 _Great, now we’re all done for,_ Haru thought. _All of the world will flood. All of the world will flood..._ Suddenly, Haru had a revelation. All of the world will flood! This is not the death of the universe! All of the world will be - A POOL! Elated, Haru began making dolphin noises. Nagisa joined in and started flopping haphazardly on the floor. Water began to appear beneath their feet. Rapidly, the water level grew and grew. Haru, Nagisa and Rei joined hands and plunged into the newly created sea. Their final form had been achieved. Together, they would repopulate the world with their breed of dolphin-human hybrids. Makoto smiled at them from the afterlife. This was not the end, his smile said. This was only the beginning. 

**Author's Note:**

> We lied. That is the end. The tale of how Haru, Nagisa and Rei took over the world as dolphin/human hybrids is too epic for the ears of mere mortals.


End file.
